


A Field Guide To Modern Cryptids

by leiascully



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Banter, Florida Man - Freeform, Gen, Memes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 00:10:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14883905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leiascully/pseuds/leiascully
Summary: “Mulder, Florida Man is not a cryptid.”





	A Field Guide To Modern Cryptids

**Author's Note:**

> Timeline: S11/2018  
> A/N: Don't you love it when one stupid line pops into your head and you cackled and write a fic?  
> Disclaimer: _The X-Files_ and all related characters are the property of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox Studios. No profit is made from this work and no infringement is intended.

“Mulder, Florida Man is not a cryptid.” Scully crossed her arms and leaned against the desk. “Florida Man is a meme. There is no actual Florida Man.” 

“Au contraire, Scully,” he countered, nodding along with his own logic in that way he had. “There are many Florida Men. There are Florida Men all over Florida, and perhaps even crossing state lines.”

“For illicit purposes?” She raised an eyebrow.

Mulder shrugged, a twinkle in his eye. “Who can say what the mysterious Florida Man wants?”

She sighed. “Walk me through it.”

“First,” he counted on his fingers, “Florida Man is often glimpsed, but rarely documented.”

“I’d say that’s almost completely false,” she said, “but go on.”

“Is there a verifiable depiction of Florida Man?” he asked. “Can you examine a photograph and determine whether it’s Florida Man or not?”

“With some reasonable degree of certainty, I could ascertain that whether it was a photograph of a man, and possibly whether or not he was in Florida,” she said.

“But you just agreed that Florida Man isn’t always in Florida,” Mulder said. “The Floridian quality doesn’t disappear when he crosses into Georgia or Alabama. In fact, Florida Man might be a woman, if the news is fit to print.”

“He might,” she allowed. 

“It’s 2018, Scully,” he said. “Florida Man’s gender is a fluid unknown quantity. How’s that for equality?”

“I’ve had better,” she said dryly.

“Second,” he continued, “Florida Man - Florida Human, if you will - does things that other people would find improbable if not outright impossible.”

“There are a number of plausible, quantifiable reasons for that,” Scully told him. “Drugs and alcohol. Heat exhaustion. Spring break.”

“Not that kind of gone wild,” he said with a wink. 

“Mulder, most of Florida Man’s acts are criminal, not supernatural,” she pointed out. “They’re notable for their absurdity. Florida Man stands naked in the middle of the road throwing golf balls at passing cars. Florida Man flings a stingray at a convenience store clerk. Florida Man sees aliens. He isn’t the one flying the ship.”

“I don’t think you understand Florida Man,” he said earnestly.

“I don’t think you understand memes,” she said. “Can we stick to the moth men and the skunk apes and the sewer gators and whatever it was that tried to strangle you that time we went to meet Arthur Dales?”

“Sewer gators are real,” he said. “Especially in Florida.”

“We can retire in Florida someday,” she said, reaching for his hand. “You can become Florida Man. We’ll write a field guide to modern cryptids and the internet will love you. How’s that sound?”

“Don’t all the nuts roll down to Florida,” he said, and his grin was still the same, all these years later.

“Don’t they just,” she said.


End file.
